A Quick Witted Resident

The Clergyman

A clergyman made frequent visits to an old folks' home on Sundays. One lady seemed a little agitated as he approached so he smiled, sat down next to her, and asked gently, "Do you know who I am?"

"No, dear, I don't," replied the woman as she patted his hand. "But if you ask the young man sitting at the desk over there, he'll be happy to remind you."

A Visit With The Veterinarian

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table.

As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600 just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the lab work and the cat scan..........."

Keep Those Kangaroo's locked up!

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten- foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

The End Is Near

A local priest and rabbi were fishing on the side of the
road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is
Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and
showed it to each passing car.

 

One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and
shouted at them: "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

 

All of a sudden they heard a big splash. They looked at
each other and the priest said to the rabbi, "You think
we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out'
instead?"

How to Become a Highly Paid Executive

How to Become a Highly Paid Executive

If you want to make it in the corporate world as a highly paid executive
leading a cutting edge corporation or driving a powerhouse team, you have to
learn to think like an executive - you must become the executive in your own
mind first.

If this sounds like a daunting task, don't fret. You can simply start by
learning to speak llike an executive. many highly paid executives really
don't understand much more than the average joe - Sure they may have gone to
multiple years of college, but sometimes they have missed simple
life-lessons such as don't embezzle or don't break the law. If you
understand those principles and have some common sense, and add in some
corporate big-speak; you too can be a highly paid corporate executive.

Step One

Memorize these key phrases and start using them in all your daily
communication

• Going the wrong way on a one way street.
• Push the envelope.
• Draw a line in the sand.
• Think big.
• What can you bring to the table?
• Keep me in the loop.
• Dig in the weeds.
• Are we on the same page.
• Think outside the box.
• Shake the trees and see what falls out.

Step Two

Use these power words to add emphasis or confiusion. Using them correctly
so employees don't give you that bewildered look gives you bonus points.

• Handoff
• Breakpoints
• Metrics
• Process owners
• Stakeholders

Step Three

Start applying for positions as CEO, CIO, CFO or any other highly paid
position denoted by acronyms.